30, Part 2: The Self-Indulgent Whining

I hate birthdays! When another year has slipped by, I can't help but reflect on where I am in life. And almost always, this reflection is tinged with regret. Well, the month of my 30^th birthday has been the worst of my life.

I hate to even be complaining. I know that I have many things to be grateful for. Yes, I have a good job, my health, a caring family, and some great friends. Usually, I can stop myself from wallowing in self pity by reminding myself of this. But lately, all I can focus on is what's wrong. And I don't know what to do about it.

Problem 1: No Companion

The thing that bothers me the most about life is the fact that I'm desperately single. Loneliness has been an affliction of mine for the majority of my life. About two years ago, sick of beating myself up over the fact that I am horrible at meeting women, I resolved to stop caring, to just embrace the single life and the benefits it provides. But it didn't work. I can't stop caring. I really wish I could.

There's nobody to blame but myself. If I tried really hard, fearless of failure, to meet a lot of girls, then eventually something might happen. But it's extremely hard for me to get over my fear of rejection. Plus, I just don't have the qualities that most girls are attracted to, so that makes it an uphill battle. I've heard all the "girls like confidence" advice I can stand, because it's not like I can just drink some confidence juice or put on a confidence hat. If women like confidence, then women just don't like me. I wish I could just embrace it and move on.

I recently thought that I had a good chance with a girl I'm friends with. I was going to try to take it to the next step, but then I just found out that it wasn't an opportunity anyway. In fact, I doubt it was ever an option. This recent heartbreak makes things even worse.

The thing is, even if I had a significant other, I don't know if it would actually fill the emptiness. After all, plenty of people are unhappy and lonely even though they have someone. I fear that my search for the magic bullet of love may be pointless. My root feelings of isolation and inability to feel like I fit in could still remain. It's depressing to realize that there may be no solution to this problem.

Problem 2: No Point

Another thing I'm struggling with lately is the feeling that my existence has no meaning. I don't mean life in general has no meaning, but that mine doesn't. My personal spiritual belief is that there is either no divine purpose to life or that this divine purpose will continue to be uncertain and unknowable. Thus, we must invent for ourselves a purpose that we can live with and strive to fulfill it. I haven't been doing this.

Maybe if I had a family to provide for, I would feel that my current life had purpose: I'd be supporting my children in their journeys through life. Maybe if I had a companion, I would find purpose in simply spending time with her in the good times and bad, uplifting her and sharing in life's joys (yeah, I know, I'm sappy). Or if I was working for a greater cause, bettering humanity through hard work, dedication, and self-sacrifice, then I might find that I was making a difference. But I'm not doing any of this. Instead I'm just working. My spare time is spend finding entertainment. It's a selfish, empty existence that fills me with great remorse.

So I'm searching for a way to make life more meaningful. I've lost hope in the family or companion routes to meaning, and I do not want to simply embrace my current lifestyle. Finding meaning through religion is not an option for me either. Therefore, I'm looking into a way to fill this gap by helping others. I'm lucky to have made friends with Paul, the guy who started the Share the Well organization. He is an amazing guy that sincerely wants to make the world a better place. We've discussed some large-scale future plans that I'll tell you all about much later, but in the mean time, I'm going to try to find ways I can use my skills to help others.

Problem 3: Work Sucks

What I'm doing for a job right now is what I thought I always wanted. I'm working as the head of software development to develop a revolutionary product. But I'm unhappy. I'm extremely stressed out, and I think it's negatively impacting my personality.

The main source of my stress is that I'm not accustomed to a supervisory role. Back when I was the only programmer, things were much better. I'm really good at programming, and I really enjoy it! (At least I'm confident about some things). But once we started expanding, things changed. First, I had the chore of going through the hiring process. I hated searching for applicants, going through résumés, and conducting interviews. Even worse was when I had to ruin someone's day and let him go. Now that the team is hired, I have to deal with the stresses of making sure everyone's doing their work well and on time. Last week I had to have a talk with a programmer. That was not fun at all. And after all that stress, I still have to get my own things done, so I end up working extra hours.

Is all this worth it? I don't know.

There are other options. I have friends and plenty of opportunities elsewhere. The work isn't nearly as interesting, but is it more important to advance your career or to spend time with people you like being around? Back in 2005, I chose career over friends and salary, and I'm unsure that was the right choice. But it's also hard for me to choose to leave the place where I worked so hard and give up my equity in the company merely because I want to relieve some stress.

I'm also considering the self-employed route. Starting a company comes with its own additional stresses, though, not to mention risks. Also, though I know I have the technical skills and necessary work ethic, I'm not sure that I've got the other skills (i.e. marketing, organization, fund-raising) necessary to make a business work.

Problem 4: Poor Attitude

This blog entry highlights the worst of my problems: my attitude. Instead of relishing the many joys of life, and remembering the gifts that I've been blessed with, here I am wallowing in self-loathing. Maybe getting all this off my chest was therapeutic, but maybe it only feeds my feelings of hopelessness.

Well, enough talk. Now that I've vented, it's time that I work toward somehow solving my problems, or at least finding peace with my 30-year-old self. Wish me luck. On my fortieth birthday, I want to be able to sincerely tell myself, "job well done!"